It hasn't been very long anyway. But you know, that won't stop me from posting a journal and then going back to not doing stuff. A journal all about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. this shit is getting old
A lot of times I write long journal entries at the end of a bad day painstakingly detailing my deep set personal flaws - my self-absorbed nature, how I run from my responsibilities and a laundry list of other undesirable traits - but then I delete the whole thing once I remember what a bad idea that sort of thing is on the internet. I think I write them half with the intention of apologizing for myself when there's simply no apologies that can fix a worthless person, and half with the intention of somehow justifying my dickery. "Don't you see now? This
is why I did that terrible thing! I'm damaged goods! Yes, it's my fault, but I'm like this because I'm like this
." But in the end, I decided that it's better to skip the long, insipid paragraphs of not bullshit but nevertheless superfluous introspection - because they don't matter to anyone but myself. The message I wanted to impart becomes subtext under the shame I write about when it should be front and center, and it doesn't really matter why
you do what you do, just that you did it.
I'm sorry. If I caused you - anyone who's ever known me - anywhere between a day and a lifetime of disappointment or frustration, I'm sorry. My apologies became cheap when I started throwing them around so much, as if my self-depreciation was a valid alternative to the slack I didn't pick up when you were counting on me.
No matter how tenderly we handle ourselves when examining the weaknesses in our character (and to call them weaknesses is to put a gentle word over what's often very brutal self-loathing) we always come out bruised. We're unable to extol our virtues because they become so transparent in the face of our venomous parts, and then no one has any patience for their battered dignity.
Even though it's weird to put this at the end of such a melodramatic and hyphen-filled journal entry, I also wanted to say happy holidays. If you celebrated Thanksgiving, I hope you ate some bitchin' food. Enjoy this hearty helping of Mood Whiplash. I'll write more worthwhile journal entries someday.